Ok so welcome. This is my production diary. I’m an MA student studying Documentary Filmmaking and I work at an independent production company that makes Documentaries. The easy life you say?… well not exactly.

When I’m not completely wiped out from work I’m attempting to figure out my ideas and actually FILM something which is not going as well as I’d hoped.

I have two main assignments… a Portrait and a Video Essay.

I filmed for over an hour for my Portrait at the weekend but I’m finding it hard combining my concentration on my subject and the filmmaking. I propped my camera on shoeboxes and have just winged it as to whether the footage will come out good. It was a better interview than the previous one because of this as the camera wasn’t as present but will the footage suffer because of this? I’ll have to wait and see.

Everyone’s telling me to quit my job and just be broke and go for the MA 100% as it has more of a future, but I cant bear the thought of screwing up financially again. There has to be a time when it stops and that’s now. I just feel as though there are so many people who have achieved far more than I’m trying to without the opportunities I have financially, so now is the time to fully sort it out. Yes my films may suffer but if I dont learn how to work tired and under pressure I’m done for so why not now?

I’ve always been petrified of showing my work to anyone. I think it’s because I’ve never done something I’m completely proud of. The only work I’ve ever shown anyone are a few of my photos and I certainly didn’t get rave reviews on those, in fact not even a blip of positive feedback.

I know I have this in me but I’m finding the same problem I had when I pursued design, a lack of ideas. The successful projects I showed whilst doing design where only when I’d lost all capability of rational thought and just went with my gut instinct thinking at least I would have something to show.

Maybe that’s the key, to stop going over and over in my mind trying to find an idea that I love and just simplifing the entire thing. Or maybe I make the style far more personal to me and go out on a total limb.

I look at the filmmakers I love, Steven Soderbergh, Wes Anderson, Spike Lee etc. The reason I love them so much is that visually they do exactly what they want and their films make me feel as though I’m looking at a subject through their eyes, and it’s a viewpoint I fall in love with.

Perhaps it’s time for me to step out of the academic perspective and gain some autonomy, screw whether other people like it and just hope for the best. Hoping that my view is also one to fall for. I realised several months ago that really all I have been obsessed with my entire life, other than film, is people.

I always hoped that my love of people came from my Grandfather. He’s always seen the best in people and been fascinated to learn as much as he can from them, creating a joyous interaction with everyone he meets and I think it’s a characteristic that made me fall for my boyfriend.

I’ve always felt socially retarded, leaving people puzzled rather than positive on first impressions. Probably not the best skill as a documentarian. When my current boss told me I lacked charm I agreed with him. It’s not that I dont know how to be charming, I just cant do it. I feel like a fraud putting on charm to get something from someone. My tutor told our class the other day that the only really important skill a producer has is the ability to get people to do what you want them to.

I have the ability to be extremely persuasive, one I have used to my advantage on numerous occasions, but not one I’m proud of. Perhaps it’s a case of utilsing that skill for a project I believe in, so that by being persuasive I know it’s for a larger benefit rather than a personal gain.

I am terrified of falling into a trap of only being able to get things done by aggression or agressive persuasion. This has been one of the biggest problems with my Portrait. Being nice has gotten me nowhere, however figuring out how to bargain and combining give and take has progressed the project.

Now the video essay is a whole other ball game. It has to be metaphorical and poetic and I feel as though any artistic ability died during the shallow misery that was art school.

I know I have at least one decent documentary in me, and it needs to come along soon as i dont want to spend the next ten years floundering in low-level tv jobs working on fluff tv programmes that I don’t care about.

It’s time to raise the question that plagued me during Design, how do you come up with a good idea?