My friend, and filmmaking partner, Jemma has set me the task of showing her documentaries she hasn’t seen so that we can look at visuals and filming techniques for a documentary we are currently in the research stage for. Jemma has largely always focused on current affairs TV docs, as that is her main area of interest, and has little knowledge when it comes to feature documentaries. I don’t see this as a bad thing and it means I get a chance to re-watch a lot of films I love, so I’ve begun trying to think of particular films or scenes that could help us with the filming process. Jemma is planning the first filming/recce trip in January and I can’t go so we’re really keen to be on the same page when it comes to the style of the film.

So far I’ve been going through some of the films I think it’s important to have seen in terms of style within documentary and also those that might be of help when it comes to choosing various shots we want for the film.

I re-watched Encounters at the End of the World tonight, which is fairly off-mark in terms of what might help us but it did help me think about the level of involvement a filmmaker should, or could, have within the story. We’re keen to have little presence in our film as it’s not relevant to the story and could actually hinder the importance of the journey the characters take if too much of our filmmaking process is evident. But Encounters really made me think and there is a particular scene within the film that is probably one of my favourite scenes in documentary full stop. It’s when we are introduced to the linguist in the green house and Herzog’s voiceover comes in and speaks over the stop of his story with “to cut a long story short…” Its something very few filmmakers would do and the voiceover is entirely his perspective, whilst preventing the character from getting his point across. Herzog then allows him to finish and then cuts away to give his own summary which shows nothing but respect for what the linguist has said.

“It occured to me that during the time we spent in the greenhouse at least 3 or 4 languages had possibly died, in our efforts to preserve endangered species we seem to overlook something equally important. To me it is a sign of a deeply disturbed civilisation where tree huggers and whale huggers in their weirdness are acceptable while no-one embraces the last speakers of a language.”

If you’re interested it’s at about 4 mins in of the clip after the jump.

It’s one of the things that makes me a fan of Werner Herzog’s style. I know a few people that really can’t cope with his films and on the surface you could possibly see him as too much of a presence, but for me it does nothing but add to the films. I really am not a fan of filmmaker’s doing their own voiceovers on the whole. I find that it can be really distracting if they aren’t part of the story and their voice just doesn’t work well. There are obviously exceptions to this and Werner Herzog, for me, is one because his filmmaking process, and fundamentally his personality, is always integral to the story and his experience of the subject matter tends to make the films far more accessible.

I’ve been a fan of his work for a long time but really struggled with him while I was doing my Masters. Early on in the course we had been told we were getting a list of mandatory films to watch and I was really excited to see what was on it and really delve into films that would help me in terms of learning about documentary. When we got the list it might as well have just said ‘ just watch every Herzog film’ and while that is great advice I had hoped for a greater range of styles, ages and approaches. I think it didn’t help that I was marked out of our class as ‘the Errol Morris fan’ which seemed to be seen as something that was a disadvantage to me. Every time a piece of my work was evaluated it was under the pretense that ‘well, you’re an Errol Morris fan’, which at the time seemed incredibly bizarre. We were very much taught that voiceover, talking heads and even music should be avoided wherever possible and that observational filmmaking was ‘proper’ documentary. I have always thought that the story, to a large extent, should determine the style and I found it very confusing that Herzog’s body of work was being rammed down my throat while also representing everything they were advising us against. But that’s education I guess.

I’m really keen to not do the same to Jemma and felt a pang of guilt when I remembered that the first thing I’d lent her was the Errol Morris boxset. But she told me this evening that she’d just watched Gates of Heaven for the first time and loved it. I can’t help but stand by that being the best possible starting point in terms of feature documentary, after all I’m ‘the Errol Morris fan’. But over the next few weeks I will definitely make sure we sit down and go through as many different styles and approaches as possible so she can begin filming with a clear idea of where we’re hoping to go with the film.

I have spent the last few months seriously thinking about my current choices when it comes to my career. Having the career I want is incredibly important to me, not because I want huge success or to make vast sums of money, were that the case I have certainly picked the wrong profession. I want to make documentaries for a variety of reasons. Not only is it an industry and medium that fascinates and inspires me but I am intrigued by people, their stories and the variety of ways in which people live their life.

I believe that documentary, as with writing and photography, represents time documented for the future. I want to tell people’s stories and I want to make films that show aspects of our current time that I believe are important. However there is no set model for this career, I have studied the career paths of many filmmakers I admire, I have even been fortunate enough to ask a few and everyone has followed a different course.

There are several people I know very well, all of us starting our careers in the same company and all sharing the desire for the same end goal, to make films. We have all chosen different paths.

It is easy to obsess about time frames, why aren’t we filmmakers now? This is a question that has weighed on my mind for the last few months, should I be trying to achieve this now? Of course there are successful filmmakers in their twenties, but to be honest being one of them terrifies me. The more I have thought about it the more I realise that I want the process of becoming a filmmaker as much as I want to be one. I want to learn and make mistakes. I am in no hurry. The notion of not needing to achieve quickly initially made me think that I was giving up but I realise this is far from the case, I want to experience the process, and I am. I currently have two jobs within the industry and while they are not directly filmmaking they challenge and provoke me every day.

In a panel discussion on Friday, Havana Marking, the Director of Afghan Star, was asked by one of City University’s head lecturers what young graduates should do if they want to make films and change the world. Havana said that they need to learn, they need to get a job and learn how to be filmmakers. In addition to that they need to make films in their own time and then in ten years time they may get a commission to make their own film, maybe.

There were many young people in the audience when this was said and you could see the look of horror on their faces, the idea of having to wait ten years being too scary to comprehend. It is scary, it’s a long time and a huge gamble because it could never happen. I know that this is a career that is going to take time but I am enjoying each step I take and as much as I shouldn’t like sitting in front of my laptop on weekends clearing my inbox, watching screeners, and generally stressing about the amount of work I have, I am glad for the stress because it means that I am doing something I care about.

I found the image below today and it truly sums up how I feel about my life at the moment. The section in the middle should probably be bigger but it is a section I am really looking forward to travelling through.

© Indexed

We’ve now left Houston as Hurricane Ike is heading towards us. We’ve rented a motel room but everything’s full up as of tomorrow so hopefully we’ll be staying with some local people for the next few days.

It’s actually quite frightening, the confusion and uncertainty more than anything. The news is terrifying making you really feel as though you should evacuate whilst at the same time telling you not to leave. The reaction of the residents is very varied with many saying we should leave now and get further north and others saying it’ll be fine and just to go about our business.

We have no knowledge of hurricanes or even massive storms and that worries me. I am worried about driving anywhere during high winds and today we realised that Huntsville could lose power, which not only means potential boredom but no water and no air conditioning with very hot weather predicted.

We then went to Wal-Mart to rent a dvd and saw dozens of people clearing the shelves of food and water. We stocked up as best we could but we are left with an LED pen light, water and various crisps and nuts. Not the best preparation.

The hurricane has already disrupted our shoot and cost me a lot of money, lets hope that’s the only damage it does.

We picked up the hire car, which is an electric blue tonka toy/pimp mobile and set off.

After a great night’s sleep in our new Houston home we headed straight to Huntsville to get our bearings of the town, as it was Sunday there were very few people around and the town’s usual hubbub wasn’t there. However, it was a great way to drive around and show Kate the town. I found it incredibly surreal to be back there, a place I truly never thought I would return to.

The surreal feeling hasn’t faded and we are now facing day four. I was intending to blog every day but so far the days have blurred and so far I haven’t shot a single minute of footage or taken a single photo. We’ve spent time putting in ground work talking to people and re-finding people but I don’t know what has prevented me from filming.

In honesty I know that a large factor is that I am extremely exhausted and I think my body is limiting me. I haven’t really had any time off this year, a few days here and there but nothing substantial. I am used to working myself into the ground but the last few weeks have been particularly tiring and my body thinks it’s having a rest.

I am really enjoying being back in Houston and Huntsville and I can’t describe how wonderful it is to see everyone again, but I need to regain focus and not waste the opportunity. As is my nature I am playing down the situation and we have actually met some wonderful people that will really add to the film, one especially this morning but I don’t feel we have hit the ground running in the way that we did last time.

We have an interesting day tomorrow and I know we will film so perhaps a slower start will actually prove incredibly beneficial, I think it really will.

Now all we have left to concern ourselves with is the slight matter of Hurricane Ike to worry about.

In 36 Hours I will be on a plane headed back to Texas!

It’s been in the works for months now but I’ve been finding it difficult to blog. One of my favourite bloggers, a while ago, gave a summary of things that put her off a blog. The main turnoff was negativity. This has stayed with me and has stifled my blogging. She has a point but I think learning how to remain productive under any circumstances is important. Lesson learned.

The decision to go back to Texas was very split second and half of me is screaming that I am crazy to spend the money and the other half is on it’s knees thanking god for the break (well a break in my style which means working really hard at the same time…)

I knew one way or the other that I needed to go back, the project was never finished in my mind and I need to be able to move on from it so that I can start other projects.

Even though it’s been a lot more expensive (due to petrol costs, air fare etc) it’s such a wonderful feeling knowing I’m going back to finish a project that has meant so much to me and just to be on shoot again, somewhere I am always the best version of myself.

As I know what I’m going to this time I am a lot more laid back about our plans and that is really wonderful as I stressed myself beyond belief last time. I also can’t help but compare my life now to my life a year ago, so much has changed.

In fact this has been the year of change for me and my entire family. Everytime I think some part of my life is stable it gets thrown on it’s head whether it be job, friends, money, or living situation. I really believe change is a good thing. The trick appears to be learning to adapt to change rather than it being a definite end and beginning.

I know that there are many things about myself that I need to change as well, generally to treat myself better. I need to finally give up smoking, exercise and eat better. Texas is hopefully going to be the turnaround, one last hurrah and when I step off the plane on my way home I want it to be with a positive attitude to a new lifestyle.

36 hours to go!

I had the pleasure of a completely unexpected call from a former classmate the other night, calling all the way from Pakistan.

It’s probably been close to a year since I last heard from Ali and to be honest I expected never to hear from him again, which made the phone call all the more fantastic.

Ali will be an amazing filmmaker, there’s no doubt about that. It’s in his blood. During our Masters I began to really like Ali as he lacks many of the social graces I do, in that he can’t tolerate bull***t, speaks his mind and isn’t afraid of putting people’s noises out of joint if they don’t agree with him. I’m not saying I always agreed with what he said, and that can be said from his perspective of me, but I certainly admired his complete focus to filmmaking and his constant desire to learn.

It was the first time I’d spoken to him since he completed his film and it was wonderful to just talk about the experience of making our respective films. We both shared an emotional rollercoaster in the process of the shoot, his far more so than mine as he was filming in Pakistan last summer throughout all of the numerous changes that happened in his country and the process left him drained and exhausted.

For the both of us the films had been less about an assignment as part of a course but our first chance to make films that we were desperate to make and to engage in something we were extremely passionate about.

Making a film about the Death Penalty challenged every sense of ethics, morality and justice that I have and really made me re-evaluate my own opinions in a way that has changed me forever. It was not an easy process and was mentally draining. Something I truly hope happens with every film that I make.

Ali’s experience was one that I can’t possibly comprehend, seeing his country combust whilst looking at it through a lens. Day in day out viewing political meltdown, death, grief and all the while dealing with the logistics of the shoot, while feeling as though you have to put your personal views of the situation to one side to remain impartial must have been unbelievably difficult. My experience pales in comparison.

Although he remains dejected about a large amount of the process, and still doubts and still feels frustrated it felt as though the experience had been worthwhile. Even though it feels like hell whilst it’s happening I can’t imagine Ali ever doing anything that wouldn’t push him to the extremes.
Making a light-hearted, safe film is just beyond his comprehension, and I hope mine.

More than anything the conversation made me feel extremely guilty that I haven’t picked up my camera for months. He was still in a place where the film was still consuming him and was still a massive part of his life, and I was jealous. It has been nearly a year since I finished the cut of my film that I submitted to uni and I felt ashamed.

I haven’t stepped back from documentary in any way but I have from filmmaking and my personal work. Although I have decided to put off attempting to be a full-time filmmaker for the time being, due to my lack of experience and need for further training, I am not using the camera enough and I am not in the mind set of just simply needing to be working at my filmmaking that I know Ali can never stop doing.

The phone call couldn’t have been more of a wake-up call and any better timed. My drive has returned and I have promised myself to make another film I care about before the end of the year.
So thank you Ali, even though you feel the film has pushed you to your limits you haven’t given up and you should be proud, and I can’t wait to see it.

Last week I spent 5 days in glorious Sheffield for the 2007 Sheffield Doc/Fest and it was an amazing experience. Being amongst over a thousand people that share your passion creates an atmosphere I rarely experience.

We booked late and were left with little choice for hotels. I then had a the bright idea that it would be a lot of fun to stay on a canal boat, it would be city centre, extremely affordable, and a unique way to spend time at our first festival.

Slight mistake. The boat was lovely, and it was so much fun staying up all hours talking sitting on the back of the boat. But Sheffield in November is cold, as are canal boats, the combination of the two being slightly lethal. No regrets though as it was a complete giggle, but I think I may find myself headed for the comfort of a warm bed and a plumbed toilet next time.

And as you can see below, two women sharing a confined space for a week creates a slight mess, as does trying to get ready on a moving vessel…

The festival itself was amazing. There were countless talks and materclasses, the content of which will be useful to me forever. We tried to go to as many of the talks etc as we could and so gave up the opportunity to see many of the films, it was definitely the wise choice though, as I ended up with nearly an entire notebook of notes.

More photos below:

I’ve found, over the last few weeks, a need to get away from anything to do with the course, my film, and the documentary industry in general. This complete u-turn from my previous existence of living and breathing documentary worried me at first. The common trap among those in my situation of new-found academic freedom is to gain a job, enjoy having money and put all their previous dreams and aspirations on hold. I felt that I was dipping my toes into this sea of boredom and bitter regret.

Strangely I’ve found, as the days have passed, a gradual passage through different feelings towards my current situation from my initial grumblings about getting up early and a vicious commute, to my fears that I was putting my dreams on hold; actually not caring about them at all, to feeling curiously liberated. Having worked with fewer people than I could count on one hand for the last year at my previous job I am now amongst thousands and it’s so wonderful to be amongst a huge variety of people again. I find it inspiring, fascinating and oddly comforting.

In theory being amongst such a large group of people should have made my self-conscious nature paralyse any ounce of confidence I possess, however I’ve actually found it’s really helped me. I feel that slowly I’m beginning to finally realise the person I have been striving to allow to emerge for my entire life. I notoriously mentally beat myself and find myself walking along giving myself a constant bollocking for the many things I haven’t done. This new environment, instead, seems to have produced a small level of pride as to who I am and allowed to me to believe I am capable of achieving the many things I want to, and for no discernible reason.

I have decided to take a definite month off and achieve several goals during that time, whilst also sorting my life out. I put so much on hold over the last year because I wanted to dedicate myself to filmmaking and the main casualty of that has been my friendships, many of which have deteriorated beyond repair.

I have realised that for the last few years I have been trying to resolve my lack of confidence by educating myself to a riduclous degree and this was re-affirmed when I started thinking about what I wanted to use my time off for and began making lists of computer programs to learn and vast reading lists. My greatest downfall in every aspect of my life is my lack of confidence and the second guessing and general inner-bashing I constantly give myself. This month off is now dedicated to eradicating this to the best of my ability. The failings with the film were largely down to second guessing myself and so part of this resolution is to make several very short films in which I take risks. Knowing there is no deadline or grade associated with the outcome may help or hinder, we’ll see.

I also need to pursue my photography, I was so pleasantly suprised with the Texas photos that I need to carry on, especially with portraiture.

During this first week off I have realised that more than anything I don’t want to take a 9-5 job within the industry yet. This may put me back in regards to progessing my CV but ultimately I want to make films so I want to try and take a job that allows me to pursue that for the next year, even if it means taking a non-related job. The one thing the course left me with was the love of filmmaking and the drive to continue, so that is the aim.

I want a massively creative and happy year, hopefully without going bankrupt, but we’ll see on that. I have committed myself to putting all my attempts up here, so if anyone reads this there could be several laughs in store for the next few months. I hope there will be some pleasant suprises too…

I am so bad at editing. I just have no idea what I’m really doing. I think I was actually better during my degree. I just don’t really know the possibilities of what I can do with editing and I find it so frustrating.

I’m really glad I came home earlier than I expected, I am mentally wiped out in so many ways. I feel so sorry for my boyfriend as I just have nothing to give at the moment. My brain seems to have a limited capacity at the moment and all it’s capable of is thinking and being confused about this film.