Category Archives: My Filmmaking

Jun 06 0 comments
Documentary, Film, Filmmaking, My Filmmaking

Long distance inspiration

I had the pleasure of a completely unexpected call from a former classmate the other night, calling all the way from Pakistan.

It’s probably been close to a year since I last heard from Ali and to be honest I expected never to hear from him again, which made the phone call all the more fantastic.

Ali will be an amazing filmmaker, there’s no doubt about that. It’s in his blood. During our Masters I began to really like Ali as he lacks many of the social graces I do, in that he can’t tolerate bull***t, speaks his mind and isn’t afraid of putting people’s noises out of joint if they don’t agree with him. I’m not saying I always agreed with what he said, and that can be said from his perspective of me, but I certainly admired his complete focus to filmmaking and his constant desire to learn.

It was the first time I’d spoken to him since he completed his film and it was wonderful to just talk about the experience of making our respective films. We both shared an emotional rollercoaster in the process of the shoot, his far more so than mine as he was filming in Pakistan last summer throughout all of the numerous changes that happened in his country and the process left him drained and exhausted.

For the both of us the films had been less about an assignment as part of a course but our first chance to make films that we were desperate to make and to engage in something we were extremely passionate about.

Making a film about the Death Penalty challenged every sense of ethics, morality and justice that I have and really made me re-evaluate my own opinions in a way that has changed me forever. It was not an easy process and was mentally draining. Something I truly hope happens with every film that I make.

Ali’s experience was one that I can’t possibly comprehend, seeing his country combust whilst looking at it through a lens. Day in day out viewing political meltdown, death, grief and all the while dealing with the logistics of the shoot, while feeling as though you have to put your personal views of the situation to one side to remain impartial must have been unbelievably difficult. My experience pales in comparison.

Although he remains dejected about a large amount of the process, and still doubts and still feels frustrated it felt as though the experience had been worthwhile. Even though it feels like hell whilst it’s happening I can’t imagine Ali ever doing anything that wouldn’t push him to the extremes.
Making a light-hearted, safe film is just beyond his comprehension, and I hope mine.

More than anything the conversation made me feel extremely guilty that I haven’t picked up my camera for months. He was still in a place where the film was still consuming him and was still a massive part of his life, and I was jealous. It has been nearly a year since I finished the cut of my film that I submitted to uni and I felt ashamed.

I haven’t stepped back from documentary in any way but I have from filmmaking and my personal work. Although I have decided to put off attempting to be a full-time filmmaker for the time being, due to my lack of experience and need for further training, I am not using the camera enough and I am not in the mind set of just simply needing to be working at my filmmaking that I know Ali can never stop doing.

The phone call couldn’t have been more of a wake-up call and any better timed. My drive has returned and I have promised myself to make another film I care about before the end of the year.
So thank you Ali, even though you feel the film has pushed you to your limits you haven’t given up and you should be proud, and I can’t wait to see it.

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Nov 14 0 comments
Documentary, Film, Filmmaking, My Filmmaking

Sheffield

I miss Sheffield. That’s a statement I never thought I would make.

Last week I spent 5 days in glorious Sheffield for the 2007 Sheffield Doc/Fest and it was an amazing experience. Being amongst over a thousand people that share your passion creates an atmosphere I rarely experience.

We booked late and were left with little choice for hotels. I then had a the bright idea that it would be a lot of fun to stay on a canal boat, it would be city centre, extremely affordable, and a unique way to spend time at our first festival.

Slight mistake. The boat was lovely, and it was so much fun staying up all hours talking sitting on the back of the boat. But Sheffield in November is cold, as are canal boats, the combination of the two being slightly lethal. No regrets though as it was a complete giggle, but I think I may find myself headed for the comfort of a warm bed and a plumbed toilet next time.

And as you can see below, two women sharing a confined space for a week creates a slight mess, as does trying to get ready on a moving vessel…

The festival itself was amazing. There were countless talks and materclasses, the content of which will be useful to me forever. We tried to go to as many of the talks etc as we could and so gave up the opportunity to see many of the films, it was definitely the wise choice though, as I ended up with nearly an entire notebook of notes.

More photos below:

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Oct 30 0 comments
Filmmaking, My Filmmaking, My daft stories

Me, positive?

Well I am a sell-out and ended up getting a job, a day job nonetheless. However I relented getting a day job due it’s restrictions on my time, whereas for some reason they trust me to choose when I work which is simply blissful.

I’ve found, over the last few weeks, a need to get away from anything to do with the course, my film, and the documentary industry in general. This complete u-turn from my previous existence of living and breathing documentary worried me at first. The common trap among those in my situation of new-found academic freedom is to gain a job, enjoy having money and put all their previous dreams and aspirations on hold. I felt that I was dipping my toes into this sea of boredom and bitter regret.

Strangely I’ve found, as the days have passed, a gradual passage through different feelings towards my current situation from my initial grumblings about getting up early and a vicious commute, to my fears that I was putting my dreams on hold; actually not caring about them at all, to feeling curiously liberated. Having worked with fewer people than I could count on one hand for the last year at my previous job I am now amongst thousands and it’s so wonderful to be amongst a huge variety of people again. I find it inspiring, fascinating and oddly comforting.

In theory being amongst such a large group of people should have made my self-conscious nature paralyse any ounce of confidence I possess, however I’ve actually found it’s really helped me. I feel that slowly I’m beginning to finally realise the person I have been striving to allow to emerge for my entire life. I notoriously mentally beat myself and find myself walking along giving myself a constant bollocking for the many things I haven’t done. This new environment, instead, seems to have produced a small level of pride as to who I am and allowed to me to believe I am capable of achieving the many things I want to, and for no discernible reason.

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Sep 30 0 comments
Filmmaking, My Filmmaking, My daft stories, Production Diary

Step One

I am offically unemployed for the first time since I was 14. As probably could have been expected, I’m bored. More accurately I still haven’t managed to switch my brain from mania mode to having the ability to relax, perhaps that’s a good thing.

I have decided to take a definite month off and achieve several goals during that time, whilst also sorting my life out. I put so much on hold over the last year because I wanted to dedicate myself to filmmaking and the main casualty of that has been my friendships, many of which have deteriorated beyond repair.

I have realised that for the last few years I have been trying to resolve my lack of confidence by educating myself to a riduclous degree and this was re-affirmed when I started thinking about what I wanted to use my time off for and began making lists of computer programs to learn and vast reading lists. My greatest downfall in every aspect of my life is my lack of confidence and the second guessing and general inner-bashing I constantly give myself. This month off is now dedicated to eradicating this to the best of my ability. The failings with the film were largely down to second guessing myself and so part of this resolution is to make several very short films in which I take risks. Knowing there is no deadline or grade associated with the outcome may help or hinder, we’ll see.

I also need to pursue my photography, I was so pleasantly suprised with the Texas photos that I need to carry on, especially with portraiture.

During this first week off I have realised that more than anything I don’t want to take a 9-5 job within the industry yet. This may put me back in regards to progessing my CV but ultimately I want to make films so I want to try and take a job that allows me to pursue that for the next year, even if it means taking a non-related job. The one thing the course left me with was the love of filmmaking and the drive to continue, so that is the aim.

I want a massively creative and happy year, hopefully without going bankrupt, but we’ll see on that. I have committed myself to putting all my attempts up here, so if anyone reads this there could be several laughs in store for the next few months. I hope there will be some pleasant suprises too…

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Sep 07 0 comments
Filmmaking, My Filmmaking, Production Diary

Edit burnout

I am so burnt out. I think I’m making progress but my brain keeps stopping on me. I sit there and realise that I can no longer concentrate. The film is going to be a lot simpler with a lot less depth than I thought it would. I don’t know whether that’s because of my failings in as far as the filming I did or that I just can’t expect anyone watching the film to absorb as much information as I want to get across.

I am so bad at editing. I just have no idea what I’m really doing. I think I was actually better during my degree. I just don’t really know the possibilities of what I can do with editing and I find it so frustrating.

I’m really glad I came home earlier than I expected, I am mentally wiped out in so many ways. I feel so sorry for my boyfriend as I just have nothing to give at the moment. My brain seems to have a limited capacity at the moment and all it’s capable of is thinking and being confused about this film.

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