I have spent the last few months seriously thinking about my current choices when it comes to my career. Having the career I want is incredibly important to me, not because I want huge success or to make vast sums of money, were that the case I have certainly picked the wrong profession. I want to make documentaries for a variety of reasons. Not only is it an industry and medium that fascinates and inspires me but I am intrigued by people, their stories and the variety of ways in which people live their life.

I believe that documentary, as with writing and photography, represents time documented for the future. I want to tell people’s stories and I want to make films that show aspects of our current time that I believe are important. However there is no set model for this career, I have studied the career paths of many filmmakers I admire, I have even been fortunate enough to ask a few and everyone has followed a different course.

There are several people I know very well, all of us starting our careers in the same company and all sharing the desire for the same end goal, to make films. We have all chosen different paths.

It is easy to obsess about time frames, why aren’t we filmmakers now? This is a question that has weighed on my mind for the last few months, should I be trying to achieve this now? Of course there are successful filmmakers in their twenties, but to be honest being one of them terrifies me. The more I have thought about it the more I realise that I want the process of becoming a filmmaker as much as I want to be one. I want to learn and make mistakes. I am in no hurry. The notion of not needing to achieve quickly initially made me think that I was giving up but I realise this is far from the case, I want to experience the process, and I am. I currently have two jobs within the industry and while they are not directly filmmaking they challenge and provoke me every day.

In a panel discussion on Friday, Havana Marking, the Director of Afghan Star, was asked by one of City University’s head lecturers what young graduates should do if they want to make films and change the world. Havana said that they need to learn, they need to get a job and learn how to be filmmakers. In addition to that they need to make films in their own time and then in ten years time they may get a commission to make their own film, maybe.

There were many young people in the audience when this was said and you could see the look of horror on their faces, the idea of having to wait ten years being too scary to comprehend. It is scary, it’s a long time and a huge gamble because it could never happen. I know that this is a career that is going to take time but I am enjoying each step I take and as much as I shouldn’t like sitting in front of my laptop on weekends clearing my inbox, watching screeners, and generally stressing about the amount of work I have, I am glad for the stress because it means that I am doing something I care about.

I found the image below today and it truly sums up how I feel about my life at the moment. The section in the middle should probably be bigger but it is a section I am really looking forward to travelling through.

© Indexed

We’ve now left Houston as Hurricane Ike is heading towards us. We’ve rented a motel room but everything’s full up as of tomorrow so hopefully we’ll be staying with some local people for the next few days.

It’s actually quite frightening, the confusion and uncertainty more than anything. The news is terrifying making you really feel as though you should evacuate whilst at the same time telling you not to leave. The reaction of the residents is very varied with many saying we should leave now and get further north and others saying it’ll be fine and just to go about our business.

We have no knowledge of hurricanes or even massive storms and that worries me. I am worried about driving anywhere during high winds and today we realised that Huntsville could lose power, which not only means potential boredom but no water and no air conditioning with very hot weather predicted.

We then went to Wal-Mart to rent a dvd and saw dozens of people clearing the shelves of food and water. We stocked up as best we could but we are left with an LED pen light, water and various crisps and nuts. Not the best preparation.

The hurricane has already disrupted our shoot and cost me a lot of money, lets hope that’s the only damage it does.

We picked up the hire car, which is an electric blue tonka toy/pimp mobile and set off.

After a great night’s sleep in our new Houston home we headed straight to Huntsville to get our bearings of the town, as it was Sunday there were very few people around and the town’s usual hubbub wasn’t there. However, it was a great way to drive around and show Kate the town. I found it incredibly surreal to be back there, a place I truly never thought I would return to.

The surreal feeling hasn’t faded and we are now facing day four. I was intending to blog every day but so far the days have blurred and so far I haven’t shot a single minute of footage or taken a single photo. We’ve spent time putting in ground work talking to people and re-finding people but I don’t know what has prevented me from filming.

In honesty I know that a large factor is that I am extremely exhausted and I think my body is limiting me. I haven’t really had any time off this year, a few days here and there but nothing substantial. I am used to working myself into the ground but the last few weeks have been particularly tiring and my body thinks it’s having a rest.

I am really enjoying being back in Houston and Huntsville and I can’t describe how wonderful it is to see everyone again, but I need to regain focus and not waste the opportunity. As is my nature I am playing down the situation and we have actually met some wonderful people that will really add to the film, one especially this morning but I don’t feel we have hit the ground running in the way that we did last time.

We have an interesting day tomorrow and I know we will film so perhaps a slower start will actually prove incredibly beneficial, I think it really will.

Now all we have left to concern ourselves with is the slight matter of Hurricane Ike to worry about.

In 36 Hours I will be on a plane headed back to Texas!

It’s been in the works for months now but I’ve been finding it difficult to blog. One of my favourite bloggers, a while ago, gave a summary of things that put her off a blog. The main turnoff was negativity. This has stayed with me and has stifled my blogging. She has a point but I think learning how to remain productive under any circumstances is important. Lesson learned.

The decision to go back to Texas was very split second and half of me is screaming that I am crazy to spend the money and the other half is on it’s knees thanking god for the break (well a break in my style which means working really hard at the same time…)

I knew one way or the other that I needed to go back, the project was never finished in my mind and I need to be able to move on from it so that I can start other projects.

Even though it’s been a lot more expensive (due to petrol costs, air fare etc) it’s such a wonderful feeling knowing I’m going back to finish a project that has meant so much to me and just to be on shoot again, somewhere I am always the best version of myself.

As I know what I’m going to this time I am a lot more laid back about our plans and that is really wonderful as I stressed myself beyond belief last time. I also can’t help but compare my life now to my life a year ago, so much has changed.

In fact this has been the year of change for me and my entire family. Everytime I think some part of my life is stable it gets thrown on it’s head whether it be job, friends, money, or living situation. I really believe change is a good thing. The trick appears to be learning to adapt to change rather than it being a definite end and beginning.

I know that there are many things about myself that I need to change as well, generally to treat myself better. I need to finally give up smoking, exercise and eat better. Texas is hopefully going to be the turnaround, one last hurrah and when I step off the plane on my way home I want it to be with a positive attitude to a new lifestyle.

36 hours to go!

I had the pleasure of a completely unexpected call from a former classmate the other night, calling all the way from Pakistan.

It’s probably been close to a year since I last heard from Ali and to be honest I expected never to hear from him again, which made the phone call all the more fantastic.

Ali will be an amazing filmmaker, there’s no doubt about that. It’s in his blood. During our Masters I began to really like Ali as he lacks many of the social graces I do, in that he can’t tolerate bull***t, speaks his mind and isn’t afraid of putting people’s noises out of joint if they don’t agree with him. I’m not saying I always agreed with what he said, and that can be said from his perspective of me, but I certainly admired his complete focus to filmmaking and his constant desire to learn.

It was the first time I’d spoken to him since he completed his film and it was wonderful to just talk about the experience of making our respective films. We both shared an emotional rollercoaster in the process of the shoot, his far more so than mine as he was filming in Pakistan last summer throughout all of the numerous changes that happened in his country and the process left him drained and exhausted.

For the both of us the films had been less about an assignment as part of a course but our first chance to make films that we were desperate to make and to engage in something we were extremely passionate about.

Making a film about the Death Penalty challenged every sense of ethics, morality and justice that I have and really made me re-evaluate my own opinions in a way that has changed me forever. It was not an easy process and was mentally draining. Something I truly hope happens with every film that I make.

Ali’s experience was one that I can’t possibly comprehend, seeing his country combust whilst looking at it through a lens. Day in day out viewing political meltdown, death, grief and all the while dealing with the logistics of the shoot, while feeling as though you have to put your personal views of the situation to one side to remain impartial must have been unbelievably difficult. My experience pales in comparison.

Although he remains dejected about a large amount of the process, and still doubts and still feels frustrated it felt as though the experience had been worthwhile. Even though it feels like hell whilst it’s happening I can’t imagine Ali ever doing anything that wouldn’t push him to the extremes.
Making a light-hearted, safe film is just beyond his comprehension, and I hope mine.

More than anything the conversation made me feel extremely guilty that I haven’t picked up my camera for months. He was still in a place where the film was still consuming him and was still a massive part of his life, and I was jealous. It has been nearly a year since I finished the cut of my film that I submitted to uni and I felt ashamed.

I haven’t stepped back from documentary in any way but I have from filmmaking and my personal work. Although I have decided to put off attempting to be a full-time filmmaker for the time being, due to my lack of experience and need for further training, I am not using the camera enough and I am not in the mind set of just simply needing to be working at my filmmaking that I know Ali can never stop doing.

The phone call couldn’t have been more of a wake-up call and any better timed. My drive has returned and I have promised myself to make another film I care about before the end of the year.
So thank you Ali, even though you feel the film has pushed you to your limits you haven’t given up and you should be proud, and I can’t wait to see it.

The man in the picture above is Errol Morris. I love him. I cannot explain how much, just know that I do

No documentary filmmaker has inspired me as much.

“The proper route to an understanding of the world is an examination of our errors about it.”

Errol Morris

I bought this month’s Filmmaker magazine and was excited to see that they had an interview with Morris about his new film Standard Operating Procedure and then literally gasped with excitement to learn that Morris had enlisted the other man that has inspired me and led me to follow my dreams (via a tattoo of one of his designs) Kyle Cooper to do graphics for his film.

Needless to say this is now the most anticipated film of the year for me.

The Filmmaker interview is here

If you aren’t aware of him you may be aware of Fog of War

But if you haven’t seen any of his films I urge you to watch Thin Blue Line

and there is more on Kyle Cooper below…. excuse any gushing about his brilliance

Kyle Cooper

Directors don’t call on Cooper for a signature style; they hire him to dig under the celluloid and tap into the symbolism of a film.

Wired, 2004

Kyle Cooper is regarded as one of the most important opening title designers on history (the only other person regarded as highly is Saul Bass, the pioneer of titles)

Cooper revolutionised opening title design with the titles for Se7en (click to see below)

another highlight are the Kiss Kiss Bang Bang titles below: (I would’ve loved to have shown the title for Donnie Brasco as I absolutely adore them but they seem too hard to find, check them out if you can though)

for more of his work please take a look at his website Prologue

I have decided to take a definite month off and achieve several goals during that time, whilst also sorting my life out. I put so much on hold over the last year because I wanted to dedicate myself to filmmaking and the main casualty of that has been my friendships, many of which have deteriorated beyond repair.

I have realised that for the last few years I have been trying to resolve my lack of confidence by educating myself to a riduclous degree and this was re-affirmed when I started thinking about what I wanted to use my time off for and began making lists of computer programs to learn and vast reading lists. My greatest downfall in every aspect of my life is my lack of confidence and the second guessing and general inner-bashing I constantly give myself. This month off is now dedicated to eradicating this to the best of my ability. The failings with the film were largely down to second guessing myself and so part of this resolution is to make several very short films in which I take risks. Knowing there is no deadline or grade associated with the outcome may help or hinder, we’ll see.

I also need to pursue my photography, I was so pleasantly suprised with the Texas photos that I need to carry on, especially with portraiture.

During this first week off I have realised that more than anything I don’t want to take a 9-5 job within the industry yet. This may put me back in regards to progessing my CV but ultimately I want to make films so I want to try and take a job that allows me to pursue that for the next year, even if it means taking a non-related job. The one thing the course left me with was the love of filmmaking and the drive to continue, so that is the aim.

I want a massively creative and happy year, hopefully without going bankrupt, but we’ll see on that. I have committed myself to putting all my attempts up here, so if anyone reads this there could be several laughs in store for the next few months. I hope there will be some pleasant suprises too…

I am so bad at editing. I just have no idea what I’m really doing. I think I was actually better during my degree. I just don’t really know the possibilities of what I can do with editing and I find it so frustrating.

I’m really glad I came home earlier than I expected, I am mentally wiped out in so many ways. I feel so sorry for my boyfriend as I just have nothing to give at the moment. My brain seems to have a limited capacity at the moment and all it’s capable of is thinking and being confused about this film.

Now I don’t mind the bashing, not one bit, it’s trying to step back from it and start again that’s my problem. Throughout this course I’ve fought at times with my tutor regarding my films and often I’ve taken the wrong advice and not fought enough to make the film I wanted to make. I promised myself I wouldn’t do this with this film. This was going to be my film come hell or high water. Today I nearly put together the most sensationalist version of my film I could make but just couldn’t do it. Now I don’t know whether I’m just trying to make a film that only I find interesting, this is a real possibility. My tutor did say my last cut was like an educational video and perhaps that’s a little bit of what I was going for. I’m not trying to make a campaign video for abolitionists and I’m not going to make the film far more dramatic than my original intention for the sake of drama. That goes against everything I believe in and certainly is not the route I want my career to go down.

I always knew my film wouldn’t change people’s lives purely by watching it but I hoped that perhaps it would make somebody think. I don’t know if I’ve just reached my limitations. The main criticisms I always get are for my choice of filming style, whereas I don’t really see it as a choice. I’m not a huge fan of moving, shaky observational filmmaking for the sake of it, never mind the fact that I can’t film handheld yet. I have used cameras for a while, I know I need a hell of a lot more practice but I’m just too shaky to even contemplate using it. So, I use a tripod for 99% of my shots. For some reason I really like talking heads too. I stupidly mentioned that I loved Errol Morris and now everything I do seems to be seen as a reflection of that. I suppose I should take it as a compliment, he’s an Oscar winning filmmaker who primarily shoots talking head and whose films I find incredibly captivating and fascinating.

Anyway tomorrow is day 8 and I have no idea as to how to even begin with the film. My tutor suggested only using the footage of Jim Willett. Jim is the ex-Warden of the Walls Unit in Huntsville, it’s a low security prison but it also is the home of the Texas execution chamber. One of his duties as warden was to give the signal to begin the execution. I am fascinated by Jim Willett and truly have a large amount of respect for him. As somebody who is against the Death Penalty perhaps I should see him as an evil man but I don’t. The one thing I learnt about the Death Penalty from the trip was that no one person has any control over whether this person is put to death or not, even the Governor of Texas can’t stop an execution. There are hundreds of people in a mammoth chain none of whom can singularly stop the execution. The Death Penalty is a major voting issue and a large percentage of the American people are in favour of the Death Penalty. Huntsville as a town comes under criticism as the ‘Death Capital of the World’ and people ask them if they feel guilty. In many ways Jim Willett faces the same ignorance. America is a democracy and they vote in favour of the Death Penalty. By attacking the town and the people who work at the prison you do not move any further in the right direction if the aim is to abolish the Death Penalty. Education and international pressure seem to be the only way the Death Penalty will be abolished. Creating propaganda films that are massively biased is also not the way to do it as the only audience will be those that agree already and is there any point preaching to the converted.

My aim was to make a film about the Death Penalty that would appeal to those that might not normally be interested. I am also fascinated by people’s lives that are different to mine. I wanted to combine both of these to create a portrait of a town and it’s residents that live every day in the place that executes people. I wanted to find out what it was like to live with that everyday and how they cope, what they’re view of the whole issue is. It is very easy to cast judgement from afar but what is it actually like when you live with it every day?

By cutting it down to just Jim Willett I create a bias as it is only one person’s perspective. Or do I change the film entirely to a portrait about him, my footage of him is really strong, but it is not the film I wanted to make. My tutor said to cut several people form the film and in many cases I do agree with the cuts but by limiting the contributors I also limit the perspective. So who to cut?

There is also the issue that perhaps I am downplaying the actual topic of the Death Penalty too much. Another tutor I had constantly stressed the use of the microcosm to show a greater picture. Was using the town as such a microcosm not a way to further the debate about the Death Penalty? Or because of the nature of the issue should I slap people in the face with it and make a dark and harrowing film even though that was not what I found the town to be like. My tutor constantly tells me that I need to put more authorship in the film and that my viewpoint doesn’t come through enough. I sent her a portion of the blog of my feelings after standing outside the first execution. I am told that that blog is more powerful than the entire film and that the film should be more like the account I sent her. However that blog was written after a few days of being there, like anything the more I learnt my viewpoint changed. I am not recanting on that fact that I was distraught or that I found it monumentally frustrating and disturbing, however what disturbed me most changed. I feel for the people that live in the town, yes they could live somewhere else, but a large majority of people are there for the university, never mind the fact that the prison system creates thousands of jobs. They have a complete love/hate relationship with the prison system.

The thing that I found most frustrating is how much of a non-event the executions are, there is nothing to indicate it’s happened and sometimes it doesn’t even make the front page of the local newspaper, whether it gets in the Houston newspaper is another matter. My misconception prior to going was that there would be many people and news crews covering each execution and that they would at least make the newspapers, after all this is happening in the name of the people that vote for it and want it to happen. Now you could easily criticise the town’s people for not paying attention to the fact that executions are happening but if it were happening in your town twice a month you would soon grow used to it. It’s a coping strategy.

That’s what I want to show, that is my authored version, but that isn’t the shocking, sensational film that I think I am supposed to make. The question now is do I make a version that will get me a better grade and then spend the following weeks making the film I want to make or do I push my film, mind you right now I don’t think I even remember what that is. A friend on the course was in my situation a few weeks ago and I gave her the advice to concentrate on getting the film in for the course but to make sure she came away with a film that she was happy with because that was more important. I need to follow that advice. Make the more sensationalist film to pass the course and then make the possibly more boring film for me.

But I need to start thinking how to even begin on either version so I need to go back to the beginning.

Why am I making this film?:
I’m making this film to try and further the debate on the issue of the Death Penalty by creating a film that will reach a wide audience by looking at people who have to live with it every day. What is it like to live in a town where executions happen on a regular basis?

What is the story?:
Now this is the part that I am most stuck on. I never meant it to have a story. It was supposed to be a glimpse into the people of the town’s lives. I struggled with this on the last film I made too but people tell me it has to have a beginning, a middle and an end, or an ‘arc’. Somehow I’ve got to figure this out but I just don’t know.

8 Days:
Day 8 (Wed 5th Sept): Start to compile a very rough cut, storyline
Day 7 (Thur 6th Sept): Polish the story and add in the cutaways, music and pacing of the story
Day 6 (Fri 7th Sept): Effects, transitions and colour grading
Day 5 (Sat 8th Sept): Sound, further cut and play out
Day 4 (Sun 9th Sept): Further cut and fine tuning
Day 3 (Mon 10th Sept): Essay – whole thing
Day 2 (Tue 11th Sept): Essay fine tuning and print out
Day 1 (Wed 12th Sept): Fine fine tuning and create copies for hand in
Day 0 (Thu 13th Sept): Hand it in

So far I’m over half way with the logging but people at uni are coming back from their respective shoots and I want to be editing before it gets insane. Logging is officially the most tedious, mind numbing job in the world and is also equally as frustrating as you just want to start actually editing. I cannot describe how much I want to start editing, but by the time I actually finishing logging (I’m hoping in the next week) I’m moving house. Why everything has to come at once I don’t know.